Adventures in Advertising 2

At the risk of sounding like an 80s comedian, did you ever notice how the Olive Garden logo has the words "Italian Restaurant" written below its name?

It's like they have to remind you what they're supposed to be.  And really, why wouldn't they? Nothing at the Olive Garden is particularly Italian.  I mean, they use Italian ingredients, kinda.  And the dish names are Italian, kinda.  But really it's just terrible.

"But, Ben! They have great breadsticks!" I hear some of you protest.  Maybe so, but bread is free.  Literally every restaurant ever gives out bread.  So to claim that the free thing that everybody else does is what you do best is pretty lame.  That's like saying, "Ted's shits are the best. Nobody shits better than Ted." Yeah, fine.  But nobody mentions that Ted is also a terrible accountant and has cost his clients tons of money.

And their slogan, "When you're here, you're family." That's all well and good, but if I'm with my family, are they not when I'm elsewhere?  "Mom, Dad, your decision to go to the Cheesecake Factory this evening was a disastrous one, we are no longer related." "I'm sorry to hear that, son.  I guess we're going to have to kick you out of the house now or you're gonna have to start paying rent."  "But, Mom, I'm 14." "Yes, but we didn't go to the Olive Garden."

Also, maybe I don't want to be family.  Maybe I'm taking a girl out on a first date (and if I'm going to the Olive Garden, also a last date).  Maybe I'm wooing (and losing) a client.  I'm not trying to be that person's family, I just want a cheap meal that won't give me food poisoning.

One final point: do you really send your chefs to Italy?  If so, maybe you shouldn't be trying to make Italian food.  Either that or you're sending them to Italians who can't cook.  As shocking as it may seem, not every Italian can cook, just like not every American can cook, not every Frenchman can cook, and every Englishman cannot cook.

But whatever, do your thing, Olive Garden.  I'm off to Chili's.